Not Enough
by ellequoi
Summary: Renesmee, in that stage of life when technically grown up but doubting it, ends up, ironically, down the same path her mother took in the quest to find herself - and towards her Jacob. Ch2 up: hookups galore, pending war, & reunion in Forks.
1. Midnight Sun

Not Enough

A/N: Renesmee ended up even more of a subversion of Bella here than I'd intended. Still a bit in draft mode, as I'm working through the rest of the (planned) story, so may be reloaded. I feel it's a bit too short. ~3 more parts though (to my own surprise, they seem to correspond to the actual books). Please review. If you didn't like something, I'd love to hear why-otherwise how can I improve the rest of the fic? :P

1.

She rails against the fate that was thrust upon her before her birth. There is so much expectation, so much policy and treaty and merger riding on her that she has to slip out from under it; one tires of playing Princess Freak, bespelled at birth to marry the Wolf Prince to unite the Weird Ones of the world.

The intensity so close to home, of her parents' love, does not help. She grows up far too soon to be able to see them sink into that comfort with each other that comes from long years together. The household is passion, control, obsession. It all plays out with the background noise of the slow thump-thump-thump of the headboard. It is a tiresome business.

When she was little, in that short span of time before she knew what was between her parents, she had a more fairy-tale view of things. Her prince was her every wish and desire - or at least ready to give her such - and her happily ever after was all planned out.

Convenient.

Being a big girl, however, means seeing things that might have been best left alone. Like how people stare at them, how she can see they want them...

... and she likes that. Wants it too.

Growing up too fast made it easy for them to see her as a child. Was she not such a hodge-podge of soul and soullessness, she might have had trouble herself. But what she sees now is that she is an adult, and the world is finally starting to make sense to her, and after all the thump-thump-thumps that left her all alone for so many days and nights, she wants to see if it's really worth that much.

So she descends into the downtown of Seattle with stolen clothing (too small) and faked IDs. Everything starts to fall into place. People are looking at her and she knows, if someone braves contact, all they will feel is her excitement, her need. She has touched no one but herself for days in an effort to keep it building up, to keep it all inside of her.

Things is about to happen when... well, there he is.

She should have known better than to realise she could ever leave the house without being followed.

He knocks the other man down and, in doing so, falls upon her. She cries out as the contact breaks the dam of her emotions, as does he. The fear mounts in her that he will not get up now, but he feels that too, so he does.

She doesn't want to say, or know, why she insists, but they end up renting a car to take back.

"I don't understand," he says as they stare straight at the windshield. "So you wanna-"

"No."

"I mean, if you're looking for blood, you know I'm always-"

"No."

"You used to love that," he sighs. "But if that's not what you wanted, then was it-"

"No."

"Because I know it may seem soon-" he looks at her, and her clothes seem very small indeed- "but I've always thought that once you were old enough we could try-"

"Nooo."

He slams his hand against the steering wheel and speeds up. "Fuck's sake, Nessie, what _do_ you want? Because I'll give it to you, but I _can't _if you won't tell me how to do it!" They are going 100 miles per hour. He is breathing heavily. "I love you, Nessie, you know that, and I'll be whatever you want to be, I just want to give you-"

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't get me anything. Don't give me anything. For now. That's what I want."

He speeds up further. "What are you trying to tell me? Do you even mean anything you've-"

There is never going to be any grey for Jacob Black. There can be no buts at the ends of I love yous, no talk of times and places and when they are right. Trying to explain such could go on for years and leave her scorned and lonely in the meantime.

So for now it has to be no, and with that knowledge she opens the door and jumps out, rolling then running to get to the other side to get picked up to find someone to show her what she wants to know before the great big wolf can come after her again.

As she and the driver start moving towards each other from across the car, she hears a howl. The driver rubs her goosebumps away.


	2. New Moon

2.

College is nice. She doesn't know why her mother never came.

The booze is free-flowing, as is the stream of men, women, and surprising people. She's living it as long and slow as she can – just the way she likes it, haha – stretching her degree out by augmenting it with every opportunity out there. If psychology isn't the most ambitious of majors, at least it seems useful in trying to fill the missing parts in her life. But even those seem to lessen every day she gets to be out there on her own, where _nobody cares _and _nobody is watching her_. If that isn't freeing, she doesn't know what is.

Although, it isn't always convincing enough. There are the times she realises Aunt Alice must be keeping track of her somehow. She shaves her head and gets a heavy tan - not without some sense of irony and an eye mask - and always keeps her looks changing, but it never feels like enough.

There are the other times when she's going through someone else's threshold at night and hears some small noise and it always sounds like a growl.

Every now and then, she thinks about her parents and wonders how they are doing. They know she can take care of herself, though, and of course they have each other, so there never seems to be anything more to wonder about. Things are not going to change for them.

Though no one who knew her would believe it, she thinks about Jacob too. Something it's nothing more than a triumphant _If only he could see me now!_ as she fools around in the library. Other times she thinks with affection about the fatherly disapproval he'd be showing over the dirty clothes on the floor, the paper a few days overdue, the people she draws moustaches on before leaving in the morning. Being without him is a little like sleeping in a room without a ceiling, but Ren thinks it's time for a little rain in her life, and it had been a long time since she'd been able to see a starry night unhindered anyway.

She likes to dream in a shamefully mundane way about going straight through to her doctorate here, maybe letting a guy get to that third date and further. Those are the times when she has to tell herself to wake up, she will be stuck in this _sick_ seventeen year old body for a long time. Much as she enjoys it now, one of these days it's going to weigh her down.

Getting to even _dream_ about a situation for herself is like tempting fate, of course. She should have known. After all, her family is her family - and the family that (embarrassingly) sparkles together stays together for a lot longer than she can bear to think of.

-------------

She is cuddled up looking sweaty in the sunlight when the squeals of the other girls alert her to someone else's presence. At first, she is not concerned, but when they quiet and yawn instead, her eyes bolt open.

Ren cannot help but echo their first sentiment because _ew_ it's her uncle and she's not wearing anything but blankets and it's really awkward with the other girls there and _ew ew ew!!_ It's not even the house-breaking uncle so he's not going to laugh it off and he's _so_ not going to understand, _ew_...

Awkward.

Burying herself so deeply in her blankets that she is only visible above the nose, she mumbles inquiringly through the blankets.

His eyes bug out and his nose twitches and she forgets her current predicament. This must be bad, worse than an embarrassing situation. The familial discomfort had distracted her from the fact that, one, she hasn't seen her family in _years_, and two, Uncle Jasper's face doesn't usually tend to move out of its one pained expression.

"Do you know what you have wrought?" he spits across the room. "Have you _any_ idea the scale of destruction bearing down to us due to your selfish, reckless actions?" He pauses, daring her to answer, then snaps an arm out lightning fast and drags her and her blankets from the bed. "Put some fucking clothes on. You need to set this right and I don't care _what_ that will take. Do you understand me?"

She nods, eyeing him warily as she nudges some clothing towards her with her foot. It may not be hers but that doesn't seem too important right now. She's known that Uncle J could be like this, but she's never seen him in this mood 'til now, and she certainly doesn't want to cross him.

"Where are we going," she says, already knowing the answer.

Uncle Jasper shows his fangs. "Home."

She plods along unwillingly until he nearly rips her arm off in his haste.

"Does anyone know I'm coming?" she yells.

"No. No one would've done anything, and then it would have been too late. We're going to fix this now."

The flight back is tense and silent. Why would Uncle Jasper use his powers when he can make you uncomfortable all on his own?

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" she asks on their way in from Seattle.

"War."

Ren frowns. "Again?"

Jasper snarls at her so loudly she decides not to push the issue just yet. About to say something else, she falls silent when she recognises the route as the one she and Jacob took years ago.

Jacob. She's going to see him again.

She's not sure if she's ready yet.

Her mind turns into a chorus of _what will I say-what should I do-how do I look-how _should _I look_ and she barely notices as they make their way into the woods. As soon as she realises where they are, "Mom!" bursts out of her mouth.

Jasper slows the car a little and quirks an eyebrow. She feels the skepticism and squirms.

"It's been a while," she says casually and reaches out to touch his hand so that he can feel how she does - a novelty for him, having feelings set upon him. He will know it is not lack of love that has kept her away.

He speeds up again.

Coming back to the Cullen household and feeling at home seems like a waste after all her years away trying to make a home of her own, but she can't help it. There is a light in the front window. They are home.

"How did you find me anyway?"

A shrug. "All it takes is finding the right vamp for the job."

She isn't quite sure what that means. Probably doesn't want to know. Jasper has mad contacts.

They head around the back door, very slowly. Ren is not sure who is controlling the pace. Her feelings may not even be her own right now.

The kitchen window is open. Voices drift through. Funny how despite being in a family that rarely eats, they can't help but congregate in the kitchen to talk.

"...may not be ready yet," says Mom. Mom! To hear her again makes Ren walk a little faster. "When Edward left me, he was determined. He needed to realise..."

And they're at the back door. Looks the same, smells the same, everything is the same, but walking through it will be completely different. She has changed; that's good. When you know you're going to be certain ways literally _forever_, it's nice to be able to change what you can.

Except she doesn't even get that chance to walk through yet. Crashings inside are getting closer until the door flies open, hitting the wall and then hitting a suddenly-present Jacob.

"Nessie…" he whispers.

The first time she's heard that nickname in years.

She has nothing to say as she looks up at him. There _is_ nothing. Any rule that would apply for any situation, whatever etiquette or a magazine article or instincts could tell her, really can find no way to fit in this moment. Nothing can really do justice. This is Jacob, _her _Jacob, whom she ran away from and isn't ready to come back to yet. The Jacob she may shortly have to let down again but can't because, seeing him, it's like she never left. There had been a lot brewing right before her leave catalysed it all, and yet despite the issues that she knows are fully there and are not going to go away until she's damn well ready, it's hard to refute that it has been a long time – so long – without him.

Usually, the power of being able to show people how you feel is a pretty stupid power. Ren has tried to be a private person - at least as far as feelings went - for the last little while, after all. It's a Sisyphean battle.

This may have been the moment of her life that her stupid power has been leading up to, the one where it says everything she can't. So she picks her use of it judiciously. Smiling, she gets up on her tippytoes and comes closer... closer...

The moment is so slow, like everything is moving through water and not air. She can see everything of Jacob's face now. A new silly haircut that falls onto his forehead, the bruiselike bags under his eyes much like hers, a luminance of eye that might be tears wanting to fall, the light crows' feet that say he has not been a wolf for a long time. She can feel the heat coming off him.

It's a little difficult, in an excruciating pleasure sort of way, to manage, but no part of her touches him until her lips press against his.

He chokes a little at the rush of feeling, but it's been too long for him and he grabs her every which way he can and harshly reciprocates.

So many people she's kissed, will kiss, but this is the one that she will remember, the one that sends that strange little jump to her heart and flip to her stomach. It's their first kiss. Does she regret not having it until now? No. But it's a bittersweet moment, as once it ends it won't happen again - not for quite a while. It's impossible to set a timeline on settling down, having to surrender and sunder yourself over to the person who will stifle you with a great big wall of overbearing love.

Maybe it's an unfair assumption to make. She used to have a lot of fun with Jacob, back before whenever they met he started watching her so. Maybe...

Ugh, no. She just can't do it. It's too hard to be coupled yet, even with Jacob. They'll get to the first time he tells her something is too dangerous and that'll be it. She wouldn't want to risk that, not with Jacob.

He tears himself apart from her and their kiss, sharing the short breath and wobbly legs she feels.

"I'm sorry," he gasps, "I know what you were telling me, but... I just wanted to hold onto you for that while, while I still had you." His voice breaks on the last word and he turns and bounds into the house again. She wonder what room he will go to, ignoring the little voice that says _duh_, hers.

She is still feeling affected by the kiss when Uncle Jasper does this ridiculous jump down from a preposterously tall tree nearby. Oh yeah, she'd forgotten about him.

"What did you say to him?" he demands, exasperated.

"I used my gift."

He sighs. "You know this is not right," he tries.

"It's what I have to do!" snaps Ren.

"We are all are going to be killed if you don't play nice! The Voltari are after them for ransom - for _you!_ - and the werewolves are threatening _us_, in return! No one can believe such a thing, that an imprinted one could repudiate the bond. That's why this is all happening."

"Are you saying all our lives depend on me and Jacob being together?" she asks incredulously.

"No," he says tenderly. "Your presence here does, though. Will you stay?"

"I don't think that's a necessary question to ask."

"How long _would_ you stay?"

That gives her some pause. "As-as long as I would need to until the conflict was over. I guess if I talked to them, maybe if I used my gift, I could get them to understand. Then we would be free."

"Renesmee, we are never free. The Voltari aren't doing this because of you - this is just a part of their plans to scourge the werewolves now that they have no reason not to."

"That makes no sense," she argues. "If our clan and the werewolves join together, and other clans abstain like their lazy asses normally do, then there's no reason why we wouldn't be able to resolve the conflict."

Then she discovers another of the Faces of Jasper - shame.

"Yes," he mumbles, "the alliance is important..." He grabs her, lifts her chin up so his eyes are staring intently into hers.

"Uncle?"

"I know you don't... oh, this is bad. At least you - it should have been - it should." He gives up and starts again. "You know this is just a misunderstanding. _Tell. Him. You. Love. Him._"

The most wondrous peace blossoms inside her. It feels like every muscle has been tensed until this moment. She needs to find Jacob, right now, so she can tell him how she loves him, always has, cannot spend another moment away from him. How _could_ it have been so long?

"I have to-" She throws the words behind her, where her uncle sinks to the ground, and runs up to her room, where _he_ is.

Her face is alight, which confuses him when he looks up.

"Ren? Did you need something in here?" he says, trying to play it safe with the inanities of everyday life, as if her love is not sitting on her bed waiting to be told.

"I love you," she says, beaming.

He shoots up off her bed. "Ren? Did you - what?"

"I-" But it's too much to hold in when it's bursting all inside her, so she grabs his hand and pulls him into another kiss, and between the two of them they tumble onto the bed, overflowing with love and passion for each other.

* * *

"What changed your mind?" he asks afterwards, as she cuddles for heat and he strokes her hair.

Ren frowns. When she thinks about it, it's a little hard to pinpoint her sudden change in -

_Tell. Him. You. Love. Him._

The crease in her forehead clears. "I guess it was the kiss," she says slowly, working her way up through her feelings. "And because someone pointed out that I loved you, and I… realised they were right."

Now it is Jacob who frowns, and he stays like that a long time, even after her entreaties to stop being such a grump. But that too passes, and he nuzzles her as they laugh together, perfectly in love.


End file.
